Wait, let's do that over

IN TRANSITION #12

By Benjamin Toff, Globe Correspondent | October 16, 2005
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I helped my friend Katie move last week. Twice.

The first move happened over the weekend, relocating my friend from futon (the same one I slept on this past August when the summer wound down and left me couch-surfing) to her first-ever post-dorm apartment, in Cambridge. Within 24 hours, she was ready to move out.

''I made a horrible mistake," she told me sheepishly when she called to ask if I would help her move a second time that week. (These sort of favors are one of the many drawbacks of having a car in the city, but I can't complain. The complimentary meals as remuneration keep me well-fed.)

The room was smaller, stuffier, more expensive, and less inviting than she had processed on her first visit -- and the neighborhood less lively and farther from work than she recalled.

''What was I thinking?" she said, miserable, on the phone.

The experience sounds far worse than it was. She had a new place within days -- despite having spent all September shopping for apartments. There was no lease yet to breach, no promises broken. Katie's short-lived roommate took the news in stride and understood. And Katie packed light; everything fit in one carload in my Accord.

Which got me thinking: how easily mistakes can be erased. Things that seem unprecedented, that burden us for weeks at a time, so often turn out to be no big deal.

For months now I've stressed about life and career decisions, every one of which has seemed so pressing. Do I take this job or hold out for another? Do I sign this lease or pack my bags for the West? The weight of each choice -- so loaded with consequences -- has dragged behind me as I walk to work in the morning.

I spoke with another friend the other day just before he took the LSATs, the law school entrance exams. He fretted about the fact that one multiple-choice question could be the difference between his top-tier ''reach" choices and fallback law schools -- one split-second gut instinct could forever change the course of his life.

Of course, he'll never know.

We only live out the choices we've made -- not the ones we wish we'd made. Fear-mongering parents may rightly cultivate an ethic of risk-management in their children (disclaimer: some mistakes, foolish or unforeseen, can nonetheless be life-altering, if not disastrous), but not all mistakes are irreversible.

Dread of missteps and after-the-fact guilt can leave us blind to the choices we do have. If you don't like where you're living, move. Sooner than you think, you may find yourself in a great new space with bay windows.

I don't mean to sound like a Pollyanna. Obviously, a lot depends on having enough cash to expand the options. And I'm sure this lesson exists in every self-help book. Yet discovering it on my own gave it a gospel sheen.

''Do you think I'm crazy for doing this?" Katie asked after the second move was finished Thursday night.

''Of course not," I replied.

I admire it.

Maybe it's just temporary, but my walk to work feels lighter now.

Benjamin Toff lives in Somerville. Reach him at:benjamin.toff@gmail.com.